Jokes / Media

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Bart at the chalkboard! ->

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. ... [ca造 ->]

Classified Ad Bloopers! ->

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers: Free Yorkshire Terrior. 8 years-old. Hateful little dog. ---------------------------------- Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog ---------------------... [ca造 ->]

Dear Abby ->

Snappy answers to sappy questions: All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less! Q: Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest! A: Have you tried a flyswatter? Q: Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative sla... [ca造 ->]

End of the World Reports ->

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Mic... [ca造 ->]

Famous Beer Quotes! ->

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years... I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when t... [ca造 ->]

Homer Simpson Laugh-Lines! ->

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ... it's how drun... [ca造 ->]

Life According To TV Land ->

What the world is like in TV land: 1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall. 2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation. 3. Crazed mani... [ca造 ->]

Martha Stewart vs Me ->

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it an... [ca造 ->]

Movie Cliches ->

Herewith is a compendium of movie clich廥, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes. The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time... [ca造 ->]

Movie Ratings Explained ->

G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl. XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.... [ca造 ->]

Oh Boy...more warning signs! ->

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!) On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!) On a Magic 8 Ball: Not a... [ca造 ->]

Real quotes from real people! ->

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the ... [ca造 ->]

Reflections on Life ->

George Carlin's Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to ... [ca造 ->]

Retractions by the NY Times in 1998 ->

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998 13 "Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported." 12 "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-h... [ca造 ->]

Some cute want-ads! ->

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers: 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. FREE PUPPIES: PART COCKER SPANIEL - PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG GERMAN SHEPHE... [ca造 ->]